When I was a young girl I couldn’t wait to tell people my goals and dreams when I grew up. I was so excited about my future, partially because my past had been so dark, that I imagined a beautiful and extravagant life for myself. I loved to write and loved music so my first dream was to sing, mostly so that I could write songs. The first people I told about this smiled and laughed a little at first, then looked me in the face and explained to me how unrealistic and unachievable this was. My first reaction was a feeling of foolishness. The way they said it suggested I must not be very intelligent if I had ever truly thought it was something I could do. When I told my Mom, I remember vividly we were in the car and her response was, “Well that will take a lot of hard work and practice.” She said it matter-of-factly, in an ever so slightly cavalier tone. I caught it and felt like she didn’t believe I could put the work in. She didn’t follow up with questions of how we could go about it, or asked me if it was something I really wanted to do. She just made a statement and a judgment about it and left it at that. This hurt my feelings and because I was dependent on other people’s opinion of me, I dropped it. I still wrote, and still held the dream of writing but didn’t tell many people after that. And I even stopped admitting it to myself.
A few years go by and I was well into middle school, close to freshman year in high school and was writing to help cope with the negative emotions bubbling from my traumatic early childhood. I was writing poetry – very dark and terribly depressing poetry might I add. But I had a gift and every one of my literature teachers continued to tell me as much, through middle and high school. I started to form another, clearer version of my goal: I wanted to be a published writer. I wanted this as my career. I don’t remember specifically who it was but I do remember how it made me feel: Foolish. Yet again, I went to an adult and told them this dream of mine. To which they responded that it’s not a reliable or lucrative career choice and not something I could or should do with my life. More of like a fun side gig/hobby but not something a respectable and successful adult did full time. Yet again, I was so discouraged and sick with myself for believing I could do something which apparently was not worthy of spending too much time on, that I hid and suppressed this dream as well. And as the years went by, and I lost focus and made worse and worse choices, I let that dream die.
Then about a year before I got pregnant with my first son, I had an encounter with a beautiful human. His name is Kenny Sparks. And he used to run a program that paid youth to study for and get their GED. I did not graduate high school and as I got closer to the age of 18 I knew that in order to get a job, and support myself that I needed a certain level of education even for entry level jobs. My first call to him was short and sweet. He told, show up this day and this time and he was going to give me a check every week for 3 months and at the end of those 3 months, I’d have my GED. Well not only did this happen but at the end of the 3 months he enrolled and registered me for classes at the local community college. He was the only person thus far who had not only believed in me and what I was capable of, but told me every single day that I saw him. I owe so much to this wonderful, selfless man. And one day I will repay him with a full expense paid vacation to wherever the heck he wants.
So, fast forward a few months, I’m in college, deep into a literature class and I let that spark of being a writer and published author, come back. I tell people that I want to obtain an English degree and immediately the backlash began again; “There’s not much you can do with just an English degree, unless you want to become a teacher.” In my young, innocent and frankly ignorant mind, I just wanted the effin knowledge of those many many english/lit courses. I just wanted to use them to refine my writing skills and get me to my goal: published author. But yet again, I let other people put out the fire inside me and so I decided on a different major, still interesting to me, but not my true calling and real passion. Shortly after I was surprised at the young age of 19 to discover I was pregnant. All of my dreams were put on hold so that I could be the best person and Mother to the child I had created.
It was rocky and I made mistakes – what 19-year-old doesn’t? But I had my son at 20 and put time and effort into his wellbeing and furthering myself in order to provide a good life for him. This time, although I let another person put my dreams on hold, it was for a very important reason: a baby, a human, living creature that I brought into this world. A year or so goes by and I do a lot of work to further my education, my mental health and my income. I made serious changes in my life in order to become overall healthier for my son. Eventually through therapy I gained a true sense of self and identity. I had always identified myself for how others saw me and how I could give my time and energy to another. Having a son put all my focus and attention on him, which inadvertently forced me to leave two very abusive relationships, so I’m thankful for that. However, after much healing I realized I was defining my self-worth with how much time and energy I put into being a Mom for my son Niko. I had all the best intentions but it was creating a different problem and killing any dreams or goals I had for myself. Therapy showed me that I can be a great Mother but also have my own self-worth and identity outside of that very important job.
Fast forward a few more years, another baby boy and a few more accomplishments and I’m here at this table writing. I admitted to myself about a year ago what my biggest dreams were and I wrote them down. Then I started actively pursuing them. I want to be a published writer. I want to do what I love for a living: write. And I want to make a lot of money doing it. Enough to give my family, extended family and friends the life they deserve. I literally have dreams of taking my children and ALL their cousins to Disney Land one day. I also have similar dreams of taking my siblings and parents on a vacation someplace warm AND pay for a babysitter to watch all of our kids at home while we go. I have big audacious goals like this and I cannot believe I spent so many years ashamed of having them. Of fighting my aching want to write and spread positivity throughout the world with my words. I’m done feeling shame for not spending every second with my kids so I can chase this dream to not only help others but spontaneously take my family on a trip to another country just for fun. I want to give people knowledge and positive substantial information and I want to do that and make enough to give my family experiences they deserve.
Maybe I went a little too in-depth trying to prove this point, but I needed to illustrate to you how long and how often I let other people literally decide my future. Why those babysitters decided to crush my dream of writing songs and singing them? I don’t know, but I made the mistake of listening to them. Why did my Mom not fully support every single one of my dreams as a child no matter how ridiculous? I’m sure it was out of love and wanting to protect me, but it was my decision to let it discourage me. Why did I let perfect strangers tell me that becoming an author or getting an English degree wouldn’t get me any where in life? I have no stinkin’ idea, but it’s on me for letting those strangers decide what was best for me and how to plan my life, and ultimately what my goals and passion in life should be.
I know what’s best for myself and what my calling is. It took several years to pinpoint exactly what it was and find the steps to take to get there but I have always in my heart known that I need to write. Even if it was just for myself, just to get my published word out there in the world. Even from some of my earliest memories, I have known I wanted to write and had such an intense passion and even a gift for writing. You have a dream too. Whatever it may be, you decide if you act on it and do something with it. I’m not saying you have to aggressively attack it like entrepreneur Rachel Hollis (if you’ve never heard of her please go look her up – she is an inspiration to behold). And I’m not saying you have to get it done or know exactly what it is right now, but I am saying that you deserve to at the very least pursue it. Please don’t waste any time listening to people who to tell you not to.
Miss ECG 